Addie Mae

I think that it is possible that some pain may never feel real. It may hurt to an extent that is too much to bear. Meaning in waves the weight is experienced but even still a part of your brain never processes the information with the intent to believe it as reality. Some wounds are so deep in order to survive it we freeze. Initally we go into shock to keep from passing out and we learn to cope and protect our mind any way we know how. I've had moments along our infertility journey I can imagine what Addison Mae Rogers' little voice would sound like. What her chubby little face would look like. And how her hugs would feel... When Tim and I were first getting to know each other, some time before we first dated, we were talking about names we liked and we discovered for different reasons we both really liked the name Addison. Fast forward to when we were engaged and were on a date we took to Southern lights. We were inside looking at the train display and a little girl ran out in front of us with her mom yelling "Addison" from behind us. In that moment we just exchanged a look- in time we could be the ones doing the chasing. Then a few years into marriage before we started trying to start a family we bought a sign in Chicago that read Addison St. It remains tucked away with other hope chest items. All that to say as crazy as it sounds while Tim and I don't have a child I feel like Addison, what could have been is a part of us. After we got home from the hospital today Tim and I talked about how for us it didn't make sense to be angry with God. While we may feel angry at our circumstance finding out we can't naturally conceive a child. Being mad at God won't change our momentary trouble. He has overcome the world so we won't know this disappointment forever. Any ability or good thing we have or experience is due to God designing life & enabling us to remain strong and steadfast. I know God created with only good in mind and his intentions are to protect, enable, and hold us through times that cause despair. Knowing that God is good is a truth I've come to know. It's one of the only steady thoughts that's stood the test of time through my life. For anyone who has not been able to start or continue to grow your family my heart goes out to you. It will never make sense but I know a God that can reconcile all that is broken. Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't cure. For now we grieve what we already felt we had but may never.