trust
Disclaimer: I have found it impossible to write what I have experienced accurately including God’s presence but even though words fail I have found it worthwhile to try and reflect on His goodness.
2-27-12 Over the last week I have had major highs and lows and am sure I will leave out some in my writing. If anyone has any questions please feel free to talk to me more about my preparation for my time in Newcastle. It is my prayer that when I do talk about what I have been through that I would not seek to give answers if I don’t have them but that my words would honor our Father and His faithfulness and involvement in my life.
To my surprise last Sunday when I finally went to bed I was actually able to fall asleep right away. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that it was 5 in the morning. Around 8 I woke up thinking about how I was going to consulate my luggage. If I wanted to have a place in the car for the ride from Belfast to Newcastle I needed to get rid of a suitcase full of stuff. I started running around doing several things at once as last minute preparations when Joelle arrived at my parent’s house. Both of my suitcases were overweight and I was trying to decide on things I could set aside for a friend to bring me when she came to Newcastle in a month. After I had all my flight information and paperwork for immigration and both suitcases under 50 lbs we left for the airport.
Leaving Lexington was surreal. I started to think about past times I had been in the bluegrass airport and had to say goodbye to people for lengths of time. It was different today because for the first time I was the one that was leaving. To my surprise I felt strong through the whole process. I knew God was with me and that he would work everything in my life and my loved ones for our good. On the plane ride I opened a letter Joelle had written me and of course it made me cry. Her words were altogether too kind and it made me sad to know I wouldn’t see her for such a long time.
The layover in Chicago was long and even though this was the last time for 6 months I would be able to talk on the phone I found myself wishing I was boarding the plane sooner. I wander around the airport trying to keep myself awake. Normally I am the type of person who takes sleep whenever they can come by it but I didn’t like the thought of being alone and not aware of my surroundings. I did make a few calls and was able to talk to friends and enjoy their conversation.
I was flying with British Airways from Chicago to London and the flight attendants accents started to get me excited to return to Newcastle. I was sitting next to a very cute older British couple. Throughout the flight the lady next to me and I exchanged words. Before we landed I intently listened as the pilot came on the intercom and gave some instructions to the passengers about where we should go. I had already studied the airport online and in the sky magazine during the flight. If you don’t know I am rubbish at directions. So in my mind if something was going to go wrong it was going to be that I would get myself turned around, miss my flight, and have to catch the next one. A great thing about weakness is that when you are aware of one you can over compensate. When I landed in London I took no risk in believing I would be able to direct myself even after my preparation so I proceeded to the first airline employee, showed her my ticket, and asked for direction. The directions she gave were simple enough and I caught a bus to terminal one. When we arrived at the terminal I followed purple signs as the pilot had instructed. Out of the corner of my eye I saw stands and stores. I thought for a moment about stopping and relaxing for a bit since I had been able to get to my terminal so promptly. I quickly dismissed that thought knowing I would not be able to relax until I was getting on my next and last plane. I knew I still needed to find the Air Lingus counter to get my next ticket printed.
To my surprise I was approaching immigration. I had filled my customs paper out in pencil on the plane so I threw it away and used a pen they had provided to rewrite my form. I had made the mistake of turning in a paper written in pencil last summer when flying with Jeremy and this time more than ever I didn’t want anything to slow me down. I also read a sign that instructed travelers to take their passport out of passport cases to make it quicker and easier on the immigration officer. After doing that, putting my neatly filled out form in my passport, and getting my folder of travel information out of my purse, I felt prepared. There was only one officer working the queue I was in and about seven people in front of me. Maybe four people before me was a gentleman that was told to sit and wait for the officer until he requested him to return back to the counter. Not too long after that happened a female immigration officer started working the other counter. Since the first officer had been freed up he went to check on something for the gentleman waiting. When he returned he called the guy back up, ask a few more questions, then stamped his passport, and sent him on his way. I anticipated getting through and being on my way to Belfast. The male immigration officer had a very straight face demeanor as he asked questions and ordered people to wait or go etc. I know this is his job description. Even still he was the most stereotypical immigration officer I had met and it bothered me. I wanted to make him laugh. I knew I could not say anything in this situation that would help lighten not just the mood but his heart that would be appropriate in the circumstances (Little did I know circumstance for me would change and I would be given time to further talk to him).
I was a little nervous but knew there was no point in secretly starting a panic in my mind. When it was my turn I went up to the male immigration officer and wished him a good morning. He proceeded and I answered question after question that he gave. I believed it to be going well because I had an answer for everything he asked. When he asked if I had a bank statement I proudly pulled it out of my folder. He asked how much money I had on me and then he asked to count it himself. He asked for my flight information and I provided him with it. He asked for information about my host family so I gave it to him as well. I can’t remember what the last question I had answered was before he handed me a paper and asked me to sit down but it didn’t seem like it was any more or less important than the last. The only explanation I could give for being asked to sit down was that it was taking too long to ask all the questions he had so I needed to wait until he got through more people. As I was waiting my immigration officer had pulled aside a girl and had her sit where the gentleman that was pulled aside before me had sat. At this point there was quite a line of people needing to go through immigration. I couldn’t find a clock to check the time and knew I couldn’t look at my phone. I was upset at myself for not wearing a watch. After some time my immigration officer came over to me, ask me to get my bag, and follow him. He proceeded to tell me best case scenario I would miss my connecting flight and have to catch the next one and worst case scenario I would be put on a plane back to the U.S. Even in hearing this I felt confident that I would not need to know the worst case scenario because I was prepared and going to get through immigration. He had me sit and wait across from another stretch of immigration officer desks. When I sat down I got a little self conscious thinking about how people could be judging me. I tried to think they didn’t know what was going on. For all they knew I was getting special treatment instead of being inconvenienced and not trusted. There was another gentleman sitting a few seats away from me and he was on his phone. I still didn’t think it would be a good idea but figured this was my chance so I could quickly texted my mom. I said that everything was fine, the airport was really crowded, I was going to miss my flight but not to worry and I would talk when I could.
I was not prepared for the next part of my journey. I was escorted to a room where people were talking to each other about me but not to me. I had a bad feeling it was going to take a while when a lady asked me if I would like some food. I couldn’t think about eating. I am not sure if that is a strategy they use to try and get your mind off where you are but I was amazed at the idea of trying to make myself comfortable here. I wanted to get whatever they needed to do over with in a timely manner so I could return to my trip. In the room I was waiting in was a drink machine, payphone, tv, interview rooms, and a man who was also apparently waiting. This made me think of the Dr. Seuss’s book Oh the Places You’ll Go, “You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place...for people just waiting.” Before the lady left the room to return to her office I asked her if I could text my mom. So I followed her back into the lobby area where all of my bags were. I told my mom that I was at immigration and had to answer a few more questions but not to worry and I would talk when I could.
As I sat waiting I don’t know if it was the gloom of the place that made me start to have negative thoughts or what. I justified them by thinking I wanted to prepare myself for the worst so I wouldn’t be caught off guard if it happened. I started to think about coming home to what seemed like a dead end. I thought about how this experience might prevent me from being in N. I. when my younger brothers would be in Newcastle at the end of July. I thought about coming back to humiliation, and needing to give person after person an explanation about how I had misheard God, and feeling endless pity from those who loved me. I wondered if the worst did happen would the panic of my failure turn me to depression. God was speaking to me the entire time and let me know that it didn’t have to be that way. I knew it was possible for me to trust him but at the same time I wondered how. Then I thought that was enough of the worst case scenario. So then I started focusing on how I knew God could do anything. I started thinking about how Jon had talked about prayer and how we need to know that when we pray that things can change. I knew I was being prayed for. I have felt it before, this time it was never away from the forefront of my mind. Knowing that others were praying to the Father made me hopeful.
After a while two officers came to search through my belongings. I followed them to security and we proceeded to go through everything in all my bags. They were both extremely nice and helped keep me positive. I started to gain more confidence that after this process was over I was going to be getting on the next flight to Belfast. The officers started talking to me about my immigration officer and I found out his name was Andrew. My mind wandered and I wanted to know all their stories. As I was going through my medicine with one of the officers recording everything I looked over and saw the other looking through my pictures. At the time I didn’t know he was required to but just though he was bored and almost laughed out loud. Before we returned upstairs one of the officers informed me that he had my journals because he had to give the Andrew before my interview. I saw him holding two of my three journals and I almost told him that he had missed one. I thought better of it and wondered how much Andrew was going to read. In the past I have been very transparent and read entries to friends and young girls but I have never shared my intimate thoughts with a stranger. It made it easy in this case since I didn’t have a say in the matter. Then I thought if nothing else he will know me a little better and we may actually have a decent conversation. Before I returned to the waiting room I had my picture taken and my finger prints. I also signed off on several papers for their legal use saying that none of my belongings had been taken from me etc.
Also side note I have forgotten to mention the other people in the detainee room. At first I completely isolated myself from them but after more came in and more time had passed I had been a part of several conversations. For lack of time I will leave those stories out for now.
After I returned to the waiting room received a paper from Andrew about why I was there and what my rights were. The gist of it said that there was insufficient reliable information to decide on whether to grant me temporary admission or release & I had not provided my immigration officer with satisfactory answers to their enquiries and I could one request have one person known to me who is likely to take an interest in my welfare informed at public expense as soon as practicable of my whereabouts. I was surprised at how I was able to remain calm with still no answers after all this time. I started opening myself up and talking through my thoughts with God. After awhile I decided I needed to phone my mom since I knew she would be wondering why I hadn’t talked to her in such a long time. I got up to go to the office and ask how to use the payphone but I was locked in. So I stood by the door and a gentleman came over and I asked him if I could use the phone. He told me I would need to buy a calling card. I had English pounds so I went through my carry on and gave him 10 pounds to get a card. When he left I was still in the lobby with my stuff so I got my phone out and was going to text Joelle and Jacyln. I typed out, I missed my flight. I am at immigration. Pray. And before I could add Jacyln’s name the lady came out of the office and I threw my phone back in my bag. She took me back in the waiting room which I had just realized was really the detainee room. It was so good to be able to talk to my mom and hear her say that she had talked to the Lynn’s who I was going to be living with.
Andrew came in while I was on the phone with my mom so she let me go. We went into an interview room and he asked me to sign a paper saying that I was feeling well enough to be interviewed. He started with the same questions from earlier and I gave the exact same answers. I wondered if I should be providing more details. I had been told that you should only give information when they ask and only answer what they ask but was the reason I was in this situation because this particular immigration officer needed more details? When he got to new questions I proceeded to give short answers and at one point asked if he wanted to know more. He said just answer the question and moved on. He continued with all of his questions and at the end asked me if I was aware of the requirements to do volunteer work in the UK. I told him I knew they no longer offered a volunteer visa. He told me that a visa was required for paid and unpaid work and because of this I would be sent back to the US. It wasn’t until then that it had registered that I had used the word volunteer when I was talking about the church I was going to attend. I had started talking about church because I knew he had read my journals and knew I was a Christian. I had talked about how I was excited to help out and be able to volunteer my time. After I collected my thoughts I had started to tear up for the first time in this whole process. I apologized and asked if I could continue to talk with him. I told him that I was not trying to contradict myself but wanted to clarify that I was not going to be working in the church, they had no internships available, and I was going to be a member of the church. He became furious and asked me if I would rather have his report be that I had a paperwork issue because I did not have the visa I needed or that I had lied during my interview and be in trouble with the law. Even though I still didn’t agree with him and saw no reason why I should be sent home I told him I understood he was doing his job and asked how this would affect me in the future. He told me that as soon as I touched down in the U.S. I could get on another flight and possibly get through immigration without a visa. He proceeded to tell me that other officers were not as good at their jobs as he was. Then I asked him about my arrangements to get home. He told me that the cost was between me and the airline I flew with. He continued on to let me know that if they denied entrance into their country it is by law that the airline is required to let me on a flight. The conversation continued to go downhill so I told him I understood and had no more questions because I knew he refused to reason with me.
As I sat and waited for the final paperwork I told God that I thought I should be praying with expectation. So I continued by telling him that I knew he could do anything and if he wanted to perform a miracle I knew he could. I thought about how he took the disciples out of prisons. It was on my heart to let him know that I didn’t doubt his power. The part I lacked was confidence that I was worth helping. Then I begged him to remove me from the situation and let me get on a plane to Belfast. I was reminded of some of my past experiences when I have felt unworthy for God to work in my life. The times I have been let down without warning or explanation I have struggled with trusting and worshipping God during that season. Then I thought something I wanted to take back. I begin to think if God does miraculously save me from this circumstance would he be helping me trust him? I realized I needed to stop praying for an outcome and just praying that he would help me trust him without an answer to why this was happening.
As I was waiting I would randomly start crying. At one point one of the officers that search my belongings was going to walk by when he stopped and talked to me. He was very encouraging and that made me cry from being grateful. I knew God had placed him there for me to talk to. After that I called my mom and let her know I would be coming back unless someone above my immigration officer decided I should be allowed in the UK. Once again when I was on the phone Andrew came in. He gave me a ticket to Chicago and told me to wait here for some officer to come and collect me. I was shocked and I knew everyone at home and in Newcastle was as well. I never would have thought this would have happened. So I just sat and continued to wait; to wait to leave the waiting room; to wait to wake up from this dream; to wait for clarity to come through this.
Another girl walked out of an interview room crying. She started talking with another girl and they started to complain about immigration. The lady who was in charge of the detainee room came in and started to speak against what they were saying. After their conversation came to an unpleasant end I asked the immigration “hospitality” worker if I could talk to her. I apologized for the others waiting that had offended her. I tried to help her see that I wanted to be understanding and honestly wanted to seek why I was in this situation. I told her that I wanted to understand why I was here and what good could come from it because right now I didn’t understand. I was caught off guard when she asked me about what kind of Christian I was. I told her some about my background. She went on to tell me that her husband was Anglican and her other in law nagged them to go to church. I told that I wished that didn’t ever happen because knowing God isn’t just part of my life, it is my life. He is my reason for everything. She told me that when I was talking she was reminded of something Jesus had said. She started talking about Judas and how Jesus knew he was going to betray him but he love him anyways. I started to feel an overwhelming gratitude. Jesus not only has felt every sadness we have but far greater and remained obedient to the Father. I thanked her for her words and it killed me that she didn’t understand why they were helpful. She told me that she was not raised as a Christian and her husband just believed a little bit more in Jesus than she did. I knew I could never forget her, that I must plead to the father on her behalf for her to experience Jesus for he is the one that softens hearts. Our conversation ended because the officer that I was being passed off to came to get me.
I was escorted to another detainee room. I was kept from my belongings (my passport being confiscated until I was back in the U.S.), not informed of my flight details, and not aware of the current time. I knew there was no point in getting down but I felt isolated and tired. I was transported in a van that had a sign informing me that there was a video camera for my safety and others. I was the first on the plane and the last one off. I was escorted around the airport in Chicago while going through immigration and security. The humiliation continued until I stepped through a door in the Chicago airport and became a normal American citizen again. It wasn’t until writing this that I was given this thought. I wonder what it would be like to be as aware that I am a citizen of heaven as it was that I was a menace. Instead of being brought to tears by humiliation and disconnect I would be brought to tears by insight and love that the Father has for me.
That night I stayed in Chicago with my mom. God sweetly told me this situation didn’t define me. He told me I had not failed and to trust Him even when I don’t understand what is going on around me. He allowed me to experience a situation that would be difficult to fully explain to others and would be easy to get down on myself about. God has been showing me that the world teaches us to view many things as tragedy that God does not and vice versa. I know the discomfort I went through and the inconvenience of it all is temporary but the wisdom and trust in God I could gain from it will be eternal. I sent out a text to friends when I was in Chicago that helps communicate where I am after this experience: I feel very strongly about what I am hearing from God. I believe with all of my heart God isn’t saying no to my trip. And he has been working on my heart to not believe the lies that could be used in this situation to think I am not good enough and deserve to be let down. He has been telling me the tragedy won’t be my trip being delayed but it would be a tragedy if through this I don’t trust that He will continue to work everything together for the good of those who love him. Circumstances turn out to not be in my favor but thank God life isn’t about our comfort but about bringing Him glory. I know he has become a part of many conversations and been glorified.
For the last week I have been filled with confirmation that our God is a good and loving God.
Conclusion: Opposition, how could you not love it? It reminds us our God is bigger and better than anything this world could do to us. As Brenda Sawyer told me, isolation and the Holy Spirit can do a number on a person’s soul. I have received support from so many believers each with strong testimony of God working. I received a text from Brenda telling me that there had been an outcry from both sides of the Atlantic about my situation. After got home she informed me that my situation is going to help people traveling to Newcastle in the future.
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